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kay_lynx |
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Entries. Lovers. Me. In the past. The Ameba. |
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| Backward 20 |
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| A long time ago... | ||||||
| Jan. 23rd, 2008 | 09:25 pm | ||||||
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Hello there Dead Journal... What are you up to lately? How am I? Hahahahaha. That's a loaded question. I am tired. I am finished my internship as a teacher. I have one correspondance class to finish and then I will have two degrees. I am living in sin with my partner in Estevan. I really really REALLY fucking miss Regina with a burning passion. I am trying to get a job because I am broke. I really like reading and hot drinks (like tea and hot chocolate). I love yoga. I'm trying to go to the gym every second day. I just came back from a trip to Hawai'i. It was really sunny and fun. I think that's a justified update for now. Maybe I will write in the future. ~Kay |
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| Spring semester almost over? | ||||||
| May. 30th, 2007 | 12:34 am | ||||||
hello again. My old friend. Guess what? I'm procrastinating. Writing about gender roles related to discrimination against homosexuals, et. al. Yeah. I think that the university should ban all spring/summer classes. I am tired! I work from 8 to 5. Go to class at 6:30. I get home around 9:30. I do homework to sometimes 1 am. I get up and do it all over. Not to mention I have homework from a correspondance corse looming over my head. Fak. My faking god, I will be glad when this is all over. Relations with the boy have been... tense on my end. Probably cause I have no time to think and be myself. I feel like I've been losing myself these past two years, and I feel like I'm being eaten by Byron's huge personality. I never cook, he does, which is hoenstly releaving. But, I would like to try something. And the only time I actually ever cook is when I am relaxing with him. I also go to his place, which only has his stuff there. I never bond with my place. I go to school, come home, work and go to bed. So, I dont' really seem myself here. I just feel empty. and very self-concious. Weight might be an issue? But, I think it is deeper than that. I think it is just me not knowing myself. But, that will be different once it is winter. I will relax. :)I guess I am jelous of Byron, all the great stuff he has. I honestly feel like part of the great stuff? Like I am another T.V.? Like I just sit and look pretty? It isnt' like I have any time anymore to deal with this. I'm too busy all of a sudden. I'm not going to ignore it, I will put it on hold. I will find myself? Maybe then I won't be a lamp. Or coffee table. I've kinda been picking at him, like, just getting upset for stupid reasons. This past weekend I was up there, and there was one time when I got super pissed off. Every once in a while he gets this attitude when he gets made at people and starts talking about them like they are two and he is god. One time before this past weekend he used that attitude and type of voice with me. I told him I would break up with him if he ever EVER used it with me again. Well guess what? I wore my sandals into his house and took them off on the carpet right inside the sliding glass doors. He used that voice with me. Again. After I told him that. Should I stay true to my word? I honestly can't be with someone who is condescending to me, not respecting me, the things I do, etc. And really, does he know the things I do. Does he see it? Do I see it? That right there just made me pause and kinda cry. Of course I see it. I will have two degrees, a profession, and some wikid references. I have a passion for getting to know those who are oppressed. Those who I think need my help, but really I need their help. I am a good person who has worked a great deal for a lot. I keep on telling myself that, but I just feel like a loser. I don't deserve thinking I am a loser. I don't deserve being talked to in a condiscending voice. I don't deserve to have my wants be put second to someone elses. I need to start putting myself first. More hanging out with the girlfriends, going to things I want to do, being able to do things on my own. I can do it. I can be and do what I know I want to do. I feel. really. really. really. tired. |
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![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/SituationNormal/Faceless_Hearts/exanimate.gif){kind=small}
tired| I got the Job! | ||||||
| May. 14th, 2007 | 11:19 pm | ||||||
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At the Autism Resource Centre! Working with a little pre-schooler, doing intensive programming! Starting in June! WOOT!!! |
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| soo.... | ||||||
| May. 8th, 2007 | 11:42 pm | ||||||
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Tomorrow I have my interview with the autism resource centre for their summer program position... wish me luck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI |
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| Update: Post-final blitz. | ||||||
| Apr. 26th, 2007 | 11:45 pm | ||||||
Right now I am realizing how hellish my spring semester will be. Work: 8 am to 5 pm. Break: 5:30 to 6:30 pm. Class: 6:30 to 9:30 pm. Monday to Thursday. Work: 8 am to 4:30 pm. Friday. Fuck. Why did I do that to myself? I don't know.... Money? Finish school quicker? Whatever. I just know it won't be as hellish as it was this past semester. I didn't know what university was until this semester. Holy cow. The learning curve. HUGE. I would like to go to the gym sometime, so I'm thinking if I can pull it off do it in the mornings from 6 to 7:30 am. But that means waking up at like 4:30 or 5 ish. Bah. I want my health! I want to use my new knee! Apart from the spring semester, what else is going on? 1. I'm trying to become more involved in extra curricular activities that I actually want to participate in. Not that I didn't love the Ed Students' Society, but, really, I want my own fun. So I'm helping out Allan with the Kids Help Phone Walk. We will be chalking, clowning around, funking the beat, and such. I can't wait. I am also participating in Car Stories at the Cathedral Arts Festivle. Fun stuff! I am playing a puppet. It will be fun. I know it will. Also, I"m thinking of helping out with the puppet parade at the Cathedral Arts Festivle. Tonight I spent some time in Susan's basement making GIANT puppet heads. This will be a treat for the eyes! And finally, I'm organizing the kitchen for the Amebica Event! Hopefully we will have a cooperative kitchen, and pancakes for sale in the morning. 2. Relationships: With the friends is great. With Byron... I love him. But I have insecurities with the relationship. Byron just got a house in Estevan, and I assumed that once I move there in the fall for internship, I would stay with him instead of my parents. But, now seeing how unsure he is of that and thinking about how close we really are daily, I understand how that assumption made an ass out of him and I. Take it slow I guess? In one point, I feel like 3 and 1/2 years is enough for us to move in. Yet at the same time, I guess we haven't spent a lot of time "together" in the same city. It has been mostly a long distance thing. Sometimes I just feel like all he really wants is just more time alone with his house. Which kinda hurts me. But really, I can't control what he wants. I can only just fend for myself and make sure I am loved, and not stepped on... I do love him though, and I hope things work out once I move back, whatever really happens. Oh, and if I live with my mom, I will commit suicide. I am serious. Put me on suicide watch for the entire 4 months. I will pull my hair out and bawl. My mother, god bless her, is a wonderful person with good intentions. But those intentions are good in her eyes. They are horrifying in mine. 3. My mother is getting a knee replacement surgery tomorrow. This is huge. I hate watching my mom go through pain, and that is exactly what she is going to go through. I also hate seeing my mother depressed, and I know she will be from lack of mobility for probably half a year. I can also see her milking this for all its worth. I hate thinking that, but I can't help it. Whenever anything has to do with her, I go on the defensive. I put up my guard and will not let it go down for the life of me. Otherwise I will end up being her puppet, her shell in which she can re-live her life over again. But, I am planning on spending a great deal of time visiting her in the hospital. What I plan on doing this upcoming weekend: I have time off on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday! Yeah! I need it. But it is already filled :(. Tomorrow night I am going to spend it with Mom, and in my apartment organizing school papers. I have cleaned out my entire apartment, except my papers/desk. It is nice to have it all organized, but I need those papers in order for when classes start. Saturday and Sunday I will visit mom more, maybe meet up with the new Ed. Students' Soceity president, get my resume and cover letter written up, and chill. I really don't wanna go out at all, but rather just enjoy my apartment and maybe go to the gym. Monday I am dropping my resume and cover letter off at the Autism Resource Center. I want to work for their student summer camp in July and August. I may meet up with Trevor to go over the kitchen stuff for the Ameba event. Fun times! Tuesday I have a teeth cleaning appointment in estevan at 11am. They will probably x-ray my jaw and see what is going on with the wisdom teeth. They are giving me pressure jaw-aches? now. Not cool. So then my brother will cut them out sometime this summer and they will be out for good. Sweet having a dentist for a brother. So I am visiting Byron on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. Wednesday afternoon Allan and I are shopping at Value Village for clown outfits for the Kids Help Phone Walk. I am busy. I want a week off where I can crawl in a hole. But, at least now I don't want to shoot myself in the hole. So things are looking up! |
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| american accent. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Jan. 10th, 2007 | 11:29 pm | |||||||||||||||||||||
I did this for shits and giggles, pretty much dead on... I think these accents account for canadians as well, unless you live up north. People from N.D. sound exactly the same as Saskatchewanians. Except they pronounce end "ind." and it kinda annoys me. |
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| funny shit. | ||||||
| Dec. 29th, 2006 | 12:16 am | ||||||
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So, I'm helping out Saskatchewan Youth Parliament, sitting as clerk sometimes, and cooking (aka. deputy clerk). SYP sends out to different leaders for greetings for our little gathering. This year we recieved greetings from individuals like the Queen of England, Robert Munch, etc. We also recieved greetings from Tony Blair. Andre you are going to kill yourself laughing... In Blair's greeting, on the sheet of paper, like many other major individuals, Mr. Blair had a water mark... As a page held the sheet up to the light, we all witnessed a see through "CONQUEROUR" in big bold letters behind the writing... I seriously almost pissed myself laughing. |
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| ... ... .. | ||||||
| Dec. 10th, 2006 | 10:51 pm | ||||||
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Did I mention how good Boards of Canada is... ohhhh my god, ambient mush. |
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| Sigh. | ||||||
| Dec. 10th, 2006 | 01:58 pm | ||||||
I really need to start sleeping properly, eating better, being happier. I am going to start by studying for finals and trying to do well. Let's see how this goes. I just feel rotten about myself right now. :S It will get better. It always does. over and out. |
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| hummm: | ||||||
| Dec. 2nd, 2006 | 03:00 pm | ||||||
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Looking back on this summer, it was ok. In fact it was good, up to the point of the knee surgery, then it sucked like you have no idea. until basically fall. But, being at the uni for work and class and being able to enjoy summer and friends and life was pretty sweet like tweet. :) I miss hanging out with allan, inhaling a little loopy grass, and then flyiing kites. :) and going for slurpees. and playing the story telling game... that was basically before I started working, and started classes... I miss riding my bike to school everyday... next summer. :) It will kick bum. I will join an ultimate frisbee team. enjoy summer and life. :) school is ok. I am almost finished my portfolio and critique. All I need to do is the 8 page essay. le sigh. this semester is almost done. Thank god. back to work. |
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| oh procrastination, you silly so and so... | ||||||
| Nov. 28th, 2006 | 11:48 pm | ||||||
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It is really snowing out... like how deep is it, almost 1 foot in some areas, with drift it's a least 1/2 a foot all over... It feels like Christmas... :) I like Christmas, I don't care what anyone else says. I really don't like the whole commercialization, but I do like trying to make or find the best gift for someone. That is fun. :) I'm drinking an Egg Nog and Rum, yet another thing to enjoy about the holidays, and trying to get after my hoemwork. Fark. ugg here is what I have left: - curriculum critique - ESST portfolio - 8 page essay on confraternities during the late mid. ages. - short chaper summary on FDR and the New Deal - and 3 finals... I'm just waiting to get the first 4 out of the way.... I'm not even concerned with finals right now. uggg. |
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| shock it up... | ||||||
| Nov. 26th, 2006 | 04:41 pm | ||||||
| http://youtube.com/watch?v=4NBArHgZntE mmmmm :) | ||||||
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| Pub Crawl! | ||||||
| Nov. 24th, 2006 | 02:29 am | ||||||
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Hey all! Toga Pub Crawl this Saturday! 10$ 4 bars, 4 shots, party bus with poles and lights. Please, for the love of god, think of coming! The education students' society may come up very shotrt in this. pm me for more details, |
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| I see the light... | ||||||
| Nov. 20th, 2006 | 02:49 am | ||||||
Classes I have left in order to complete my two degrees and minor: Next Semester - EPS 350 EPSY 350 ED 350 ESST 350 ESST 351 Summer - EPSY 323 EPSY 324 EPSY 328 Senior social studies elective (probably on gender or indigenous studies, whatever is available) Fall - EFLD 400 (aka. internship) WTF. I'm seriously going to be finished university soon. With two degrees? How the fuck did that happen? I almost feel panic. at the same time I'm using this to motivate me to finish my essay. HA. |
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| On the state of becoming lovely: | ||||||
| Nov. 14th, 2006 | 03:16 am | ||||||
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I have embraced my inner girl and started these strange customs that come along with certain gender roles. It is somewhat embarrassing for me and at the same time liberating. Actually, overall it is confusing. But. My skin (particularly on my face) has never been so soft and supple since before puberty. I have been washing my face for about a week now with a light scrub, toner, and moisturizer. That is the night routine, and the moisturizer is vitamin E body shope stuff.... it makes my face feel pretty. During the mornings I make a quick swipe over with toner and then some moisturizer with SPF 15 and a pretty, fresh tasting smell. I am also starting to wear makeup more. Some days it is just mascara. Some days a pretty collage. Clothes are working out well... I really don't have a very good wardrobe. I would have a good fashion sense, but moths seem to have ate it, along with my millions of dollars for the wardrobe, or time to seek out finds... I am also going to start on losing some weight... I have dropped from almost 180 to 167 pounds. Now I want to lose 12 more, to make it 155. Perhaps even 150, but that seems a bit too much for now. I want to lose and tone. My boyfriend (notice boy, indicating gender o_O, fairly hard to say for me) is the best. He puts up with a lot of shit coming from my side. That's pretty decent of him. and he has a majorly tight ass. Which is nice to squeeze. Honestly, best person ever. |
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| halloweennies... | ||||||
| Nov. 1st, 2006 | 02:41 am | ||||||
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So, first off. I wrote something, meant to be private, and it was posted up here in public because Id ont' know how to work a web browser. I'm sorry to the person it was about and please those of you who read it and have questions, don't ask, it wasn't meant for you to view... :P Now onto the fun stuff! Today was halloween! I had so much fun. Last night the ESS carved pumpkins. They are quite pretty. Tonight I went to the Rocky Horror Show with Arielle, Alyssa, Zeek, and Karla(?). So much fun. So much gender bending! So much warped sexuality. I love how they portrayed a fem tranny, a muscle man (learning how to role play with an axe! FTW!!!), a motor cycle man, a smart upper-class whitey man, etc. etc. etc... So uber liberating to watch a parody of many different angles of male sexuality. Of course, when you have one, you have the opposite (feminine). So really, a parody of both, in which you realize how blantantly artificial gender roles are sometimes... I have been obsessed with gender lately. Ever since the sociology of gender class I took last winter semester, I have just seen it in everything. I think it demonstrates power relations between different individuals, groups, societies, etc. I see it in history now. I see it in pop culture. I see it everywhere. I am literally becoming obsessed. I have also been contemplating performing drag at the upcoming drag show at the university. But, this is a hugely politicized thing at the moment... That road has not been broken. It is too taboo for a straight (I prefer "*" meaning I do not identify with any sexuality) female to go on stage and perform as a man. If I was a butch dyke it would be almost completely acceptable. But, I think that queer is not yet fully acceptable by all homosexuals. Nathan has been pushing me to perform. He wants me to break that road. To make it easier for those who feel like exploring their gender and sexuality to do so in drag. I am not a martyr and don't really want to be... so. no. Maybe when I'm older and people have done the job I'm too chicken shit to do. Why the frick would I want to perform in drag. Well, I am obsessed with gender. I have been since high school I think... I remember one day wishing I could just be sexless. What the frick does this have to do with gender. Well here is the real story.... When I was in high school I was a easy girl. Not so easy that I would sleep with everyone, but easy enough to give a couple guys a good time every once in a while... I honestly felt that the only way to become a grown woman was to perform sexually. Give the guys what they want... and it really hurt me for a long time. I really wish someone had introduced me to queer theory then. Now do I not only know that I don't have to put out in order to become a grown woman, but that I DO NOT HAVE TO BE A WOMAN PERIOD. That realization in university blew my frickin mind off (I seriously bawled)... Yes I have a vagina, I am attracted to men, I like wearing makeup, sometimes (rarely) tight shirts, wearing sexy lengerie... but I also like short hair, being boyish, being a strong manly man sometimes... It doesn't mean I'm a dyke. It doesn't mean I'm a boy trapped in a girls body. It means that I can be whatever I want to at a given period. I'm honestly happy to be a female. I like my boobs (most of the time) and I also like my vagina. I read an article in people this past week about a female who is transgendered and he is only 16. Holy cow. Like drop a time bomb on that kids life. I am so glad that I have no confusion in that area. I do not identify as being a transgendered or a homosexual. But I do feel like I am an * when it comes to gender (as well as sexuality). The Rocky Horror was fun. It was interactive. It just keeps on fueling my gender-facination fire... haha. Oh it was so much fun. Thanks to Arielle and Alyssa and Zeek and Karla for allowing me to come with. So much fun. So many sexy women with. and Zeek guided Arielle and I through the show... |
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| hahahah... Bwhahahaha | ||||||
| Oct. 12th, 2006 | 11:52 pm | ||||||
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yup, just some fun stuff....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dx2GPv1T |
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| What I'm listening to: Part II | ||||||
| Oct. 5th, 2006 | 09:27 pm | ||||||
Chicago - Sufjan Stevens (this is a really good song!) So, once again I sit at home at my computer working on this damn paper. Fuck. I can't wait for turkey this weekend. Oh yes, to my American friends, our Thanksgiving is this weekend, so wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. I can't wait for Halloween. :) I had an ESS meeting today. Went much better than the last one. So I am very happy with that. Although not very many people showed up at all. Fark. Whatever, we work with what we have. But, my treasurer decided to skip town today and not show up to our personal afternoon meeting, or the executive meeting. Fuck. That needs to be fixed. Oh yeah, and CIBC can go suck a nugget. ESS has our bank account there, and we havn't signed over the account yet. So we went in there this past Saturday to do it. We made an appointment for 3:00. The lady who was supposed to see us was busy for 45 minutes with an unexpected appointment *cough commission cough.* So we get in there with 15 minutes to spare before Neal needs to get back to work. Then she goes off about Keith and Genna not having a letter signing over authority to us. So Keith goes, "Can we just make a letter here, right now, in writing?" and she is still going off on us, so Keith goes, "I'm leaving, see you," and she says, oh no, you can write a letter right now. Rude. So I get a phone call yesturday saying that the lady who handled us had us sign the wrong thing. Fuck. Not only is she late and rude, she is also extremely bad at her job. So, me and Neal need to go in yet again to sign more stuff. I am not impressed at all. Andre, how do I complain about service? I'm enjoying scents right now. I love my new Cool cucumber dove anti-persperant. I also like the deep conditioning Aussi hair treatment. Nag Chamapa. Ivory soap. That reminds me of my grandma, Ivory soap. I'm going home this weekend. Byron is going to Calgary on Friday, and will be coming back on Sunday, so what am I to do? Also, I am only bring home "The Jungle" to read for school and perhaps some reading and writing (if I feel up to it). I'm gonna sleep, visit with my family, and enjoy a weekend away from Regina, the ESS, and my friends. Oh god. This is going to rock. If only I could finish this damn essay. |
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| Music I'm digging right now. | ||||||
| Oct. 4th, 2006 | 10:05 pm | ||||||
Only You - Portisehead Chicago - Sufjan Stevens California - Sarah Slean Exchange - Massive Attack Let It Go - (the) Stars mmm. I'm writing a history paper on Women in the French Revolution. Particularily women who marched to Versailles on October 5 of 1789 to capture the King and bring him back to France. But, I'm looking at primary resources, and along with demonstrating these women and their quest for bread and work, I am also supposed to work in some historiography about how the primary resources are interesting, bias, and warped compared to one another. All in four pages. All tonight (fingers crossed). Sounds easy, doesn't it? |
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| mmmmk | ||||||
| Sep. 26th, 2006 | 10:32 pm | ||||||
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Ok, This pisses me off. Byron wants to save money, yet he buys flames tix at 90 a pop. He says not going is NOT an option. I'm sorry, I absolutely love love LOVE the weakerthans, they have come to Regina 3 times since I started living here, and I have not seen them once due to money and homework situations. It is an option. Yeah, other than that, ballroom dancing rocked today. and I've been ignoring the ESS. tehe. Yeah, not good. Whatever, I need a break... Tomorrow its back to busniess. |
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